May 13, 2021


On the chance that you’re trying to send me a message/ask a question/get info, I’ll address it here. And if it’s true, then, Dude, what did you do? Bookmark links to my old posts from 2012?! 

For the record, the previous life of my blog was completely deleted. Like, hard deleted from the server and I barely kept anything saved on my computer. I don’t think the exact post that you looked for recently exists anywhere anymore.

But that’s okay. Because that was written for a different person and this one is written for you.

My family knows very little about you. Whatever details they know, it would have been from whatever I wrote on this blog prior to 2018. At most, they know your nickname, that you worked at “the firm”, maybe that you’re Persian-American, maybe that you’re divorced. They have no reason to know that you left “the firm” because 1) I don’t talk about you and 2) they don’t know your last name.

And when I say “they” I mean Dad. Mom might know all of the above except your ethnicity and marital status. I don’t think either of them know that you have kids.

During the 2.5 weeks in November 2017, I barely saw or spoke to my parents. Both because I didn’t want to and because of the long distance. Also, Dad thinks I lied about the stuff I wrote which is a big reason for my feelings explained down below.

When I came home, no one asked about the time nor did I volunteer information. This is to drive home the point that they know pretty much nothing about you. But I’ll suspect, as I imagine you might, that they will probably perceive you unfavorably because of November 2017. Alternatively, they probably view me unfavorably because they think I lied and harassed you. And when I say “they,” I mean Dad.

For the record, I don’t speak to anyone about what happened during that time. Not even to myself. Not even a private journal entry in a notebook or my computer. Mainly because when I try to even go through it in my head, it’s like it’s jumbled.  I take pride in being able to explain things clearly, logically and in chronological order. I struggle doing all of that for November 2017. Also, I resent you deeply for the experience. If and when  (because I know it is a when, B) you try to get me to talk about it, we are going to have a fight. Consider yourself warned.

Given that history, you seem to be interested in still making a good impression on my folks. I get that and it’s understandable. You’d be weird if you weren’t. But I’m pretty sure I made this clear to you a long time ago and it still stands: I don’t care about my family’s opinion about you. It will have no bearing on my decisions regarding us.

I’ve also made the following very clear to you: you are going to have to explain everything that happened in detail with documentation. I understand that it’s “the firm” and documentation may be very difficult or impossible to obtain. Please try your best. Because for the last several years and for the next few years that you’re not here, I just look like a crazy person who made everything up. And I hate that I have to wait for you, a man, to show up and validate what I’ve said before people will believe me.

You’re going to have to explain everything that happened to me and acknowledge and own any mistakes that you made. You will then have to repeat all of this to my folks. Full transparency is going to be the key to get any of us to move forward with you. But I think if you can do the above well, it will positively impact how fast we’re all able to move forward with you.

You’ve got a lot going for you. You’re brilliant, your dad was in academia and you’ve excelled in your career with just a bachelor’s degree. Dad is going to find that impressive. But Dad, who’s a proponent of advanced degrees, is going to question why you didn’t get the MBA. I don’t care.

Mom’s not hard to please: you’re a man, you’re available and you’re tall. You’ll be her best option for getting more grandkids.

I don’t think your ethnicity is going to be an issue. Of all the ethnic groups I’ve heard my parents make derogatory remarks towards, Persians are not on that list.

However, you’re a Red Sox fan. That is going to be a problem. But Dad likes the Patriots (After the Giants, mind you. And maybe the Jets. Maybe the Bills, too?). Focus on that.

Your biggest hurdles are going to be that you’re divorced and have kids. Dad’s not going to like either. I don’t think the divorced part should be too much of a problem considering that I, too, am divorced. But the kids, I don’t know how to get around that.

All I know is, when we’ve been at social gatherings where people have shown up with their partners (unmarried) who are divorced with kids, Dad’s always made comments about it. But not in detail. It’s just a general disapproval, and words similar to “complicated” and “unstable” were used. I’m sure he’ll share the details of his criticisms after he finds out about you…which won’t be until after he meets you.

Again, I don’t care about his opinions. This is a man who would rather believe his daughter is a liar than give her the benefit of the doubt. When all this is finally over and you and I can be together, I want to leave my family and not have any contact with them for at least a year. I don’t value their presence in my life. 

May 11, 2021

Got my hair done! You will undoubtedly hate it but I LOVE the change! This is the lightest I’ve ever had my hair…or the lightest I’ll ever let my hair be for more than a week! πŸ˜† It’s light, ash brown highlights, full balayage. I doubt you know what that means. I was at the salon for 3.5 hours with the color and cut. Side note: the stylist noticed hair growing back in my bald spot so I may have to cancel my membership soon.

Got home, walked the dogs and they were nearly attacked by the neighborhood German shepherd. This is a problem because 1 year and 6 days ago (Cinco de Mayo 2020), that same dog attacked Ruthie in almost exactly the same way. Last year, the owner opened his front door without leashing his dog first just as I was across the street with my dogs. It charged at us and attacked Ruthie before I even had time to react. She needed stitches, antibiotics, pain killers and a surgical drain amounting to $500. My dad knocked on their door last year, showed them the pics of Ruthie and threatened to sue them if it ever happened again.

Ruthie post-surgery after the Cinco de Mayo dog attack, 2020.

This afternoon, the owner was watering his ungated front yard and let the dog sit on the porch unleashed. Dog charged at us again. I managed to scramble both of my dogs into my arms and scream at the thing. However, the dog did not divert from charging at us until his owner finally called him. I got the hell out of there with both dogs still in my arms and complained to my parents. 


Dad said he’s going to speak to him and ask him to do something. All the man has is a pretty patch of brick but it doesn’t line the entire front of the property. There are gaps to the walkway and the driveway. The fence is just for show! Sigh…I need to change the subject.

I submitted a blood sample today to potentially get my genes tested for cancer. I need to see first if my insurance will cover it. Because I have a cousin and an aunt who have died from ovarian and breast cancer, respectively, my provider today suggested it might be worthwhile. I mean, getting tested isn’t going to prevent whatever is going to happen from happening. But if it turns out I may be more likely than the average population to develop those cancers, then maybe quitting my job right now and foregoing medical insurance would have to be given a second thought.

It’s late. I still have to get my workout and studying completed tonight. Last word: Preakness 2021: look at Ram. His father is American Pharaoh. I might be considering him for some trifecta combos as a first place winner.

Love you, miss you.

May 9, 2021

Weekend was busy. Family was in town and it was great to spend time with the kid. We had dinner at Blackstone in Long Island. Everyone ordered really well, the meat looked so good. I just went with a rainbow roll and some pineapple juice. There are reasons that I won’t get into here. Maybe when you’re around we can go and I’ll order something proper from the menu.

I also got some studying done. Passed the exams for two of the FMVA courses. Financial Analysis Fundamentals and Accounting Principles and Standards. SO INTERESTING, B! The stuff on share-based payment and vesting periods and service and market performance conditions. SO. INTERESTING.

Horse race betting. By now, there’s indication that Medina Spirit may have had more drugs in his system than allowed and a re-test is being done. Not sure how it might impact the Preakness. But I’m not looking at lay betting anymore. Now it’s all about the trifectas. I spent yesterday morning outlining the various outcomes that I think might happen based on historical data and who the current favorites are. I think tomorrow is the deadline for horses to be entered into the race. We’ll see what happens!

From work: I keep getting positive feedback from my talk with the committee. My new boss (the CFO/Head of HR) made it very clear that she sees the effort I’m making, how seriously I took her feedback and it’s being noticed. The words “grace” and “receptive” kept getting thrown around. I don’t know if “grace” is a word I would ever have used to describe me but I’ll take it. What I’d really like to take is that salary bump I’m asking for. Back-paid to my March anniversary date, please. πŸ™„

I’m still keen on applying for jobs but that didn’t get time this weekend due to all of the above. But I’m happy that I’m making progress on the FMVA. Delaying those course exams were holding me back. Now that I’ve done a couple, I know what to expect. I can take them as many times as I want and it doesn’t seem like they change the questions or their order here. It saves time.

Up next: Building a 3 Statement Financial Model. B-, the overall course material in general is SO dry. The intro video clip here was like, “This is so important. This is so important. All the other courses expand upon this. This is so important.” Got it! I’m hoping this part might start to get more interesting. I think what I’m going to like is how all this info is eventually used to draw conclusions, understand performance, make recommendations and also how different scenarios or assumptions can impact all of that. I’ll get there.

What else? I’m looking forward to having the day off on Tuesday, even if I’ll be busy with appointments. The change of pace and scenery will be good. Still excited for that trip to the Caribbean. I got some new bathing suits, rash guards (long sleeves), and I’m looking into getting some waterproof pouches so I can spend as much time in the water without worrying that someone’s going to steal my phone on the beach.

Talk soon. Love you, miss you.

May 7, 2021

It’s Dad’s birthday today. The big 8-0. We had lunch and cake. I bought the pistachio cake from Ovenly, my new favorite bakery. For my own birthday, I ordered their Brooklyn blackout and lemon lavender cupcakes.

The big surprise, though, is that family is flying in tonight. They’re staying at a hotel tonight and will show up some time tomorrow morning. We’ll be going out for a meal tomorrow in Long Island. I don’t know if it will be lunch or dinner. I suspect lunch. Steak and seafood.

So the weekend will be busy because everyone’s going to want to spend time with the kid. I can’t share more details here, unfortunately. This will be the first time that my mom and I are seeing the kid in person since before covid started.

I clocked out early from work today because my team ended up working until almost 9pm last Friday. I’ve been using the extra time cleaning, doing laundry and prepping for the guests. I need to put more time into studying. I’ve technically finished going through the videos of two of the required courses but I’m putting off taking their respective exams. I don’t know why. I can take them as often as I need to. But there’s legitimately a lot of info. There’s a difference between passing the exam for the sake of passing and passing the exam because you actually learned the material. I want to do the latter. Unclear yet if it’s put me off track with my schedule but I built a 4-week review period into it before I sit for the certification exam. I might just be eating into that.

Kentucky Derby! You know my dad’s a gambler. We always watch the Triple Crown races. This was the first year he offered to place bets for me and Mom. His money, $10. Mom bet $10 on Midnight Bourbon and I bet my $10 on Medina Spirit. Because it’s Bob Baffert’s horse and the jockey has also won a number of races. 

No surprise now, you know I won. Dad made me give half my winnings to Mom and my nephew. But since then, all I could think was: if I had placed $1,000 on that horse (the thought crossed my mind briefly), I could have made enough money to be debt free now. So…I’m thinking about doing something like that for the Preakness on the 15th. 

I don’t think Medina Spirit will win the Preakness. Bob Baffert wasn’t confident about the horse. He keeps saying how tiny it is. However, he’s got another horse in the race, Concert Tour, and it’s been resting since April 10th. Plus, he’s secured Mike Smith, another winning jockey, to ride him. Right now, I’m thinking that’s where I’m going to put my money.

But then I started doing research into how lay bets work. I think I’d place a lot of money against Medina Spirit. But then there’s something about liabilities. In case that horse actually wins, I’ll end up owing a whole damn pile of money and the payout may not even be worth it. A lot of my free time is being spent researching horse race gambling strategies. Yes, I’m aware I could be jumping down a rabbit hole here.

I have the day off on Tuesday. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment scheduled in Manhattan in the morning. Routine check up. Then I’ve got a hair appointment in the afternoon. Cut and color. I haven’t gotten my hair cut in six months. I got color eight months ago but it’s so subtle. That’s beneficial because it grew out without creating harsh, annoying lines but I don’t know if it was actually satisfying. I’m thinking about getting face-framing highlights. There’s this new color called “mushroom brown/blonde” that I’m interested in trying.

I can see your face already. I know you hate the blonde. But you’re not going to be around for another two years so I’ve got plenty of time to still play around with it! 😝

I normally get my hair cut locally but the lady who’s done my hair on-and-off for 15 years injured her hands somehow. She initially delayed an appointment but then she had to cancel and said she won’t be available until after June. I feel bad! I hope she’ll be okay. I’m sitting here worried it’s like severe arthritis or something and she may have to quit. But I can’t wait until after June for a hair cut.

I’ll leave it here. Love you, miss you.

May 4, 2021

Let’s get the Karen conversation out of the way.

I mentioned in my first post that my confidence was boosted from the mistakes she made on social media. Since then, she’s only continued to muddle around. She forgot that I still track IP addresses so I know she viewed this website in mid-April and spent a considerable amount of time here. I know it was her because she then reacted by immediately switching her Instagram account from public to private for the first time in years. These facts alone prove beyond a doubt that despite years of silence, I am still relevant in your life. 

She eventually made the account public again and all of her subsequent online behavior has just been funny. You could see that she wracked her brain trying to discover how I know what I know, removed content that she thought might have exposed her dishonesty, and has increased her posting frequency with content that lacks any clear strategy, either for her own personal brand growth or to perpetuate her deception. It’s apparent after five years of observations that her bag of tricks is limited and as such, Karen is impotent. She has no bearing on us anymore.

What I have learned from having two psychiatrists in my immediate family is that everything you do and say can and will be analyzed. Karen has years of content on display that gives away so much about her and it’s sad. The woman is neither intelligent nor emotionally put together.

First and foremost, she’s revealed how insecure she is by perpetuating the “alternate truth” for several years now that she’s still married. For all her expressed disgust towards Donald Trump, she’s using the same page from his playbook: say a lie loud enough and long enough so people will believe it. “The election was rigged!” “I’m married, I swear!” People with at least half a brain aren’t buying it and she just continues to look pathetic and simpleminded the more she does it.

Further evidence that she’s prone to dishonesty is that she markets herself as a yoga instructor who has been practicing for ten years. This implies that she’s skilled or has some sort of expertise in it. Unfortunately, that so-called experience is undermined when the most advanced yoga course she’s been able to teach so far is a guided sleep session.

Understandably, a lot of people are going to view divorce as a failure. After all, her parents are divorced, her mother is twice divorced and it’s highly likely there’s been a lot of drama. There are court records online to support that, from her mother attempting to barter her engagement ring from her then second fiancΓ© to pay off debts for her business that went bankrupt to then suing her now second ex-husband for a quarter of a million dollars. It’s no secret that kids with divorced parents are more likely to end up divorced themselves and now she and at least one of her sisters have both proven that to be true. She’s insecure.

It’s also possible that she refuses to admit that she’s divorced to hurt you because she’s generally an angry and unhappy woman. She probably resents you for making her the “failure” above that she dreads. The self-deprecating humor that she uses often enough suggests that she doesn’t like herself very much and people tend to treat others the way they treat themselves. Hurting you is second nature for her.

For whatever reasons, she suffers from anxiety and that could be hereditary. Anxiety almost never presents itself alone and almost always presents itself with depression. She then self-medicates with any and all of the following methods:

  • excessive exercising
  • excessive alcohol consumption
  • aromatherapy
  • cold showers (it’s a holistic treatment method for depression)
  • CBD and possibly marijuana which she may soon be legally able to get her hands on. She shared her engagement with online courses for the inclusion of marijuana in her practice as a yoga instructor. God help you and your family when she starts bringing that stuff into your home.

She’s also shown herself to be prone to manic-depressive behavior. That’s evident in the marathon postings she’s been known to do for consecutive weeks followed by prolonged periods of inactivity. Actually, that’s probably what’s going on now. My reactivation of this blog has triggered a manic episode that’s manifesting itself as a burst of social media content.

I kind of feel bad for her. It takes a lot of strength to admit your faults, face your fears and inner demons and work your way out of it. It’s easier for her to fight with the people around her than to face herself. She should consider seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist but if she were the type of person able to do that then I doubt you would have gotten divorced in the first place.

Actually, I have no idea what your marriage was like. It’s also clear from her content that she doesn’t really enjoy being feminine. Indeed, she takes pride in her “manrepeller” wardrobe. I don’t know if it’s related to her lack of self-confidence and insecurities or other reasons that I’m uncomfortable giving voice to yet for lack of evidence. However, once the latter supposition came to mind, it was game over.

I don’t think she ever loved you or was even capable of loving you the way you needed to be. And I don’t think it’s personal to you, either. I think she’s got a whole mess of internal things that she’s scared to face. For all of the reasons detailed in this post, marriage was never going to work for her, be it with you or anyone else. Her own behavior plus her mother’s history predict that.

A major battle has been won, B-. Now let’s get through the war together.

May 3, 2021

I miss you.

Where did we leave off? Oh right, I have a reputation for being difficult to work with.

On Friday, I spoke to my colleagues on the committee that I’m the project manager for. I explained the sources of my frustrations, apologized to one of my colleagues for giving her what I felt was some undeserved heat for a task that she dropped the ball on recently and asked them all to help me improve by letting me know in real time how my behavior may come across.

My honesty was incredibly well received. I had a member of HR tell me emphatically how brave I was for doing this and that my frustrations are because I care. The woman who I apologized to told me that she didn’t take it personally and that we all want to do better. The VP of Marketing, who was my manager after my long term supervisor left in December, told me that I have a unique set of skills at the company for cross-functional leadership which is why I was sought for this project manager role and that learning how to manage staff who don’t directly report to you is a challenge but an important skill to learn. The Director of Practice Operations told me that he had also been told that I was difficult to work with but that he personally had never seen it and that whether it’s here or somewhere else he sees me just continuing to advance in my career. My teammate thought my confession was powerful and that she’s learning so much from me.

While I’m giving myself a pat on the back for making huge strides last Friday, I couldn’t concentrate all weekend on my studies. Because by the end of last week it was made evident that a number of senior people at the company who have all been here for a year or so where told by a source whom they found to be credible that I was difficult to work with. That implies that it came from someone senior and since this is a very small company, the only people senior to them are the ownership team: the CEO and his wife. I highly doubt someone from reception was having afternoon tea with the CFO where all these “anecdotes” were shared.

The company found my personality so concerning that they felt the need to warn new hires about me but did not respect or value me enough to communicate their concerns to me, to give me a chance to respond or improve. Instead, they devalued me so much that they risked damaging my relationship with colleagues before I ever met them. This company has a set of “core values” that it says it takes pride in. Most of us don’t have it memorized but I do know the first one: take care of each other. Clearly, Core Value #1 at the company doesn’t apply to me.

The last paragraph just replayed in my head all weekend. I was angry but now I’ve come to some sort of acceptance. It’s laughable, really, because what else am I expecting from the company? This is who they are. I did email my manager, the CFO/Head of HR, on Wednesday after she told me this, just very nicely asking if the company could refrain from telling new hires going forward this about me because I felt like it was setting me up for failure and like I was being written off as a lost cause. I hadn’t yet formulated the previous paragraph as well then but I do think the email sufficiently covers/implies what bad behavior that was on the part of the company. She replied apologizing for any confusion, saying that there’s no official “company stance” on it, that it was just shared as “anecdotes.” Official or not official, the damage was done and it was systematic.

So in addition to the long list of reasons why I feel like I’m being taking advantage of, now I’ve got a growing list of behavior showing that I’m being set up for failure. They keep saying that I’m “valued at the company” and that the CEO “has plans for me” but holy fuck, B-:

“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The cherry on top was that this morning, the executive assistant to the CEO, texted me on my phone saying that she’s been talking about me to her husband who works at a data company and with my skill set and the work that she’s seen me do, she thinks I might be a good fit there. If I was ever looking, her husband’s company would be interested in a person like me. My exact response to her was, “I feel like I keep getting clues to read between the lines that I should be looking to leave.” She said that she’s always networking even if she’s happy at a job and she does one phone interview a month to stay sharp and see what’s out there. Then she told me to send my resume to her personal email.

I managed to find time this weekend to apply to at least five jobs. LinkedIn’s job application platform makes it exceptionally easy to apply. I sent a sample cover letter to my former supervisor to critique. He still has to get back to me on both my resume and cover letter. However, he did mention that I consider some Chief of Staff roles.

About two years ago, he had approached me for something similar here at my current company. I was very hesitant because I view those roles as just glorified administrative positions and I’m adamant about getting as far away from that work history as possible. But he still feels that the JDs for Chief of Staff roles vary greatly and there are some that act as more of an advisor/strategy/consultant than just calendar management. So I’m considering it. They also seem to pay really well.

Before I forget: remember my pink microphone? The one I used to help me sing? It stopped holding the battery charge so I had to replace it. The new one is black. I still have the pink one stored somewhere for sentimental reasons. We did name it after all. Well, I named it and you said, “Damn straight, that’s the only option!” I don’t really allow myself to break glass anymore. Mainly because I’m lazy to prep for it, don’t want to deal with the clean up, the dogs are usually with me, yadda yadda. I’m lazy.

Actually, the dogs aren’t with me tonight so…πŸ˜˜πŸ’•


April 28, 2021

I didn’t sleep well Monday night. I got a pounding headache that kept disturbing my sleep. Fortunately, two Aleve in the morning made it go away by the afternoon.

We had a follow up with the VP asshole Tuesday. He was nicer. It seemed like someone spoke to him to be nicer. By the end of the call he asked how our spirits were. He wanted an answer from all three of us and I was the last to respond. I managed to say “Good” as nicely as possible by you know my face can’t hide how I’m feeling. My teammate told after the call ended that my face showed how mad I was.

This morning, I had my weekly check in with my manager. She told me that I have a reputation at the company of being difficult to work with and coming across as condescending. 

I took it well. Mainly because I could see how I can come across that way. I told her that, and that I don’t mean to come across as condescending. I explained that I came from a work place where everyone was competent to now having spent two years at a company where a lot of poor performance continually gets tolerated and progress has been slow to nonexistent. It’s caused a lot of frustration and I think that frustration creates a bias when I respond to people.  I forget to give the benefit of the doubt to people who deserve it. I’m not stopping to look at things from multiple angles the way they might deserve to be because I’m reacting to the trigger. And I think it stems from my long-term frustration and dissatisfaction with management because I do expect them to know and do better.

And then of course, we can’t forget the frustration and powerlessness of you and me unable to have anything to do with each other for years and there are more years to come. I think that’s been the kick in the groin that’s zapped 80% of my tolerance for anything.

Do you feel the same way? I wonder if you share the same struggles. It’s hard to live with. We bury the pain so deep and what grows in its place is all this anger and resentment.

But we’re going to work on the job frustrations and I feel like I can use my manager as a sounding board to help improve how I come across. There’s also a committee that I serve as a project manager for. I plan to speak to them at the beginning of our next meeting briefly about this. I’d like for them to understand where I’m coming from, apologize if I may have come across as harsh and ask them to also help me do better.

One of the reasons I’m not taking the criticism personally is because there’s a long list of people at the company with a bad reputation. I’m not in the boat alone. But what I can do to be the change I wish to see at this company is hold myself accountable for my behavior, work on myself to improve and hopefully repair the reputation and my relationship with co-workers. Because that’s the kind of behavior from leadership that has been severely lacking and that needs to be seen. Maybe I can be an example to inspire others more important than me to do better.

Also, I’ve been working with my former supervisor to find job openings that might be a good match for me now, with or without the FMVA. He recommended analyst roles in sales and marketing and recommended I look at law firms with marketing analyst positions. I couldn’t find too many last night but there are a handful. I’m waiting to get his feedback on my resume. He recommended that I have three different versions to highlight different skill sets. So I might have to work on that this weekend.

I think the dreams this week have reflected the stress I’ve been feeling. Last night, I dreamt I was visiting friends in Miami and the former chair of my graduate department came to the restaurant. So I ended up hiding in the coat closet to avoid him but he found me anyway. πŸ™„

This will be my last post until mid-May.

Here’s to better dreams.

Love you, miss you.


April 26, 2021

I was excited this morning to write this post. I got out of bed before 7am. Why? Because while I was laying in bed scrolling the internet on my phone, I booked myself a Caribbean vacation. Three nights. The week of my divorce anniversary. I already got the time approved, too!

But then I had a bad day at work. It drained me and all I want to do is quit right now.

What’s the short version of the story? They were horrible with communication. They want my team working on a proposal on how to generate more revenue for the business by potentially opening up our own MRI center. They have many ideas, but most of the ideas overlap not only with location but who currently owns the property. So what happened was that we got jumbled information on what the deliverable was. We were sent in one direction only to find out after two days of work that we were on the wrong path. That was understandably frustrating considering we were given a deadline for a project none of us had prior experience working on. I essentially felt like we were being set up for failure.

So we sent an email explaining that we were given mixed information and we needed to set norms so that we get clear communication going forward. That wasn’t received well. They didn’t like the tone. For the record, my entire team worked on the email together and none of us felt there was an issue with tone. I think the real problem was that it was direct, we rightly called them out on their shortcoming and their egos got bruised.

We were told that it was our responsibility to get the information that we need from our “clients.” That’s nearly impossible because: the main client is the CEO who is too busy for us; our manager was on PTO at the end of last week and unavailable; the VP who is the star asshole in this entire endeavor had never clearly indicated that he was accessible. We were essentially told in not so many words that we could have been fired for that email. 

What’s funny, though, is said asshole made that thinly veiled threat as if it might scare us. But all I could think of is what a relief it would be to get fired because then I wouldn’t have to work here anymore and I could collect unemployment insurance.

I spent all day thinking about it when I wasn’t feeling generally drained from that morning call and I’m still trying to figure out if it’s doable. Here are my poorly thought out ideas:

  1. In June, when the two months comes up for me to follow up on the salary adjustment request, I’m expecting I’ll get another delayed response at which point I can quit and site inadequate compensation as my reason.
  2. Wait until I pass the FMVA in early September so at least I can use that to market myself well in the job search. But hiring slows down in the Fall, doesn’t it?
  3. Wait until December. Even at my current pay grade, if I’m really conservative, I could end up paying off my student loan by then. At that point, I’ll be completely debt-free. My monthly expenses after that are minimal and I’ve already got enough in savings to go at least a year unemployed. But only after I pay off my student loan. It’s less than $10K now.

Option 3 seems like the smartest but God, if I have to be here another 8 months???

I emailed my former boss today. He had previously offered to review my resume so I sent it to him. He had also recently indicated that he didn’t like the VP asshole mentioned above. My former manager has hinted at that twice now. I think I got a glimpse today as to why. I miss my manager. We could always speak freely with him and there was mutual respect. The asshole made it clear that they want to be spoken to as kings.

And I wonder as I relay all of this to you whose side you’re on. Because, B-, you’re upper management. You had a reputation. You were feared but I think you were respected. If anyone ever talked smack about you, I never heard it. But you were also known to lose your temper. I don’t know how different or similar you are to the management at my current job whom I’ve lost all respect for. But I’ll choose to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Because someone we both know made it clear to me when I started working there that the people I report to have to clearly communicate their asks. If they don’t, we can’t be expected to do our jobs properly. It’s their responsibility to be clear.

So I can’t accept this mother fucker turning it back on us. We were set up for failure. What makes it worse is that, if I were a man, I probably wouldn’t have gotten that response. I see the female leaders I’ve reported here be so deferential and I wonder how much of that is strategy and then I wonder how much of that has to be their strategy because they are women or because our leaders think of themselves as royalty held accountable to no one.

Let’s focus on something happier. Like my Caribbean vacation. I get the kayaking access that I want plus the resort is on the beach. Actually, I think you may have been here before. Because social media. The islands are requiring a negative PCR test prior to travel even if you’ve been vaccinated. Plus travel insurance. Thank goodness I purchased the travel insurance with my flight because I normally don’t! I’m really looking forward to vacation…along with every other person on the planet!

Also, you were in my dreams last night. I think I actually saw your face which rarely happens. But we were at the “the firm.” I was visiting for no good reason. The dream ended quickly because I was starting to stress out in the middle of my dream. There’s no good reason why I should have been sitting at a desk on any floor of that building!

But you heard that I was there and you came to say hello and shook my hand. We shook hands!!!! Sigh…yes, I realize how pathetic a dream that was. “It is what it is.”

Love you, miss you.



P.S. I know you don’t work there anymore. I’d ask you about your not-so-new job but I kinda don’t care? Sorry not sorry 😘

April 25, 2021

Weekend has been busy but not according to plan.

I was supposed to get a lot of studying done on Saturday. But I decided to run a couple of errands. The first was to return an extra pair of shoes that I got from DSW. The original pair I ordered didn’t arrive on time, so they sent me a replacement, but then the original order and the replacement both arrived. I was thanked for being honest. I told the manager that I believe in karma.

Because you and I have had enough bad luck to last a couple of lifetimes.

Then I had to commute across the borough to run my second errand. As timing would have it, as I happened to be near home to make my connection for the final leg of my travel, I got a text that there was an “emergency” at home and I had to return.

Ruthie was playing in the yard and dirty girl that she is, ended up rolling around in someone’s poop. Hers? Bono’s? Stray cat? We don’t know. I had to come home to give her a bath before she started getting comfortable on the furniture.

So my plans were derailed but I managed to get a ride instead for my final errand. I wanted to pick up some annuals to plant in the front yard. We bought a lot of stuff and since it was going to rain today, I ended up spending two hours yesterday planting all of it.

I rested for the remainder of the evening by binge watching Season 2 of Peaky Blinders. When I was finally tired enough to go to bed, though, I found Bono and there was a pool of blood near where his mouth was resting. I couldn’t do anything at 11pm so I waited until this morning. He got through the night without any bleeding but in the morning after I returned from brushing my teeth, I saw that there was new blood on his blanket. I called the vet and managed to get seen today.

I thought he had a loose tooth but what the vet actually identified is that the gums between his right canine and the next tooth is aggravated. There’s a gap and food always get stuck there and it’s a problem. Right now, we’re treating him with milder pain meds (recall the last post with the arthritis pain med issues) and antibiotics that will treat his mouth and any stomach issues still lingering.

We also took blood work just in case more aggressive action needs to be taken where he might need to be sedated. Because of his age and because of some bloodwork results last year, he wasn’t a good candidate for sedation. There’s now a higher risk that if he ever undergoes sedation, he may never wake up again.

Yeah, that’s scary. But we feel strongly that the reason his results last year weren’t great was because he had been on a corticosteroid at the time which has a side effect of causing liver cell breakdown. We don’t expect to see that same liver cell breakdown now, but who knows?

Anyway, life is more complicated with my baby boy. I’m just really glad I have health insurance for him. When he passes, I need to be able to say that I did everything I could to take care of him. I still regret that my parents didn’t give my cat the care she needed when she was dying while I was in grad school in Miami.

So now we’re at Sunday afternoon and fortunately, I’m writing this after spending about 2 hours reviewing some of the prereqs for the FMVA. The material is not inherently hard. It’s just a lot of new terms and I’m going to really have to put the time in to become intimate with all of the material. I guess you could call this study program my new “boyfriend.” Don’t worry, I’m still making time for you.

Speaking of which, the goal this week is to share whatever I feel like I need to share by 4/28. However, for the first half of May this blog will not be displaying content.


April 24, 2021

I saw this in my inbox earlier this week and thought of you:

Can you do me a favor and get at least 8 hours of sleep from now on? I’d really appreciate it. Here’s a tip: put your phone away.

It’s a good idea to stay away from any type of screen for at least an hour before bedtime. Although, I’m not sure what you would do with yourself during that time. Meditation could be beneficial. I’ve used and enjoyed both the Headspace and Calm apps. 

I’m very aware that I’m giving you advice that I’m not even taking myself.

I take pride in the amount of sleep I get. This week, however, I haven’t been getting enough. I’m not using my time efficiently and I’ve been up late watching TV (Chicago PD on Wednesdays and Law & Order back-to-back on Thursdays. Um, hello, Elliot Stabler IS BACK!!).

Also, I’m not good at getting out of bed when the alarm goes off. I’m aware that it’s rewarding to not have to rush in the morning but my bed is so warm and I’m usually waking up in the middle of a puppy sandwich so the motivation to upset that environment is low.

But another reason it’s hard to get out of bed is because I often miss you the most when I wake up and I don’t want to start my day without seeing you. I know that I can’t but I’m still stubborn about it and I’ll stay in bed. I know it’s not rational. But it happens all the time. Yes, it feels as sad as it sounds.

Bono’s been sick for the past week. Nothing too serious but if a human were suffering from his symptoms, he or she would be bitching and moaning. 

It started with Bono suddenly becoming scared to walk down the staircase. I called the vet and he suspected it’s arthritis and prescribed some pain meds. I gave Bono the first dose Thursday evening and he spent the next 24 hours pooping sporadically around the house and needing a bathroom break in the middle of the night. It’s a known side effect of the medicine so we stopped it immediately to wait for it to clear up before restarting.

The vet said that the dose was already the lowest possible and meant for a dog smaller than Bono. He suggested feeding Bono something bland like chicken. So I did exactly that. I boiled some chicken thighs, cut them up and tested it on him before reintroducing the pain medicine to see how he’d handle it.

Total shit storm since Sunday. I’ll spare you the details but this is the worst diarrhea I’ve ever seen him experience. He couldn’t even control when it was coming out. I’ve had to wash my bed sheets twice this week. Poor guy.

Fortunately, he’s improved. The poop is finally more solid than mushy and he hasn’t had any accidents in the house in over 48 hours. Okay, I didn’t spare you the details.

He still has his appetite, which is good. But right now, treating his potential arthritis is at the bottom of the list. He’s okay with going up stairs but he won’t come down on his own and I have to carry him. At least now he doesn’t start shaking. I think he’s learned that I’ll be his human escalator.

I started looking at potential vacations this year (another reason why I’m up late at night!). It was a quick search for something in the Caribbean. One interesting hotel looks like it will be completely booked for the rest of the year starting mid-May. I saw something on the news about “revenge travel” post-Covid and that most places are getting booked up already for the rest of the year.

I bought myself a cute new bathing suit. I’d hate to have to wait until 2022 to wear it. I might be able to get to Miami pretty easily but that’s not the type of beach vacation I was in the mood for. I want a secluded beach somewhere for like 2-3 days, limited technology but lots of time for cabanas and kayaking.

I also got an email this week from that B&B in Monticello. It feels like a tempting option but maybe not worth the price? So now I’m scheming to get my dad interested in going and making it a weekend family trip with the dogs. We’ll see.

I’m struggling through the sleep deprivation right now so I’ll end it here. I have a lot of studying to do on my weekends through August. I can’t afford to be tired or to sleep in.