April 10, 2021

I think the most obvious question is “why now?” so let’s start there. After November 2017, the feelings of anxiety, fury and distrust were high. Maybe even paranoia. I felt like “the firm”, through you, were taking pleasure in causing as much chaos in my life as possible. So it was easy to stay away for years. To be clear, I was furious and I did things that you’re not going to like because I was furious. But at no point did I hate you.

Then there was info on the internet that further eroded my confidence in you, sustaining the distance. However, I recently found new information on the internet. It supports previous data on how complicated the compensation structure really is. Also, a few slip ups happened lately on social media, exposing her long term deception and further boosting my confidence.

I know your hands are tied and they’ll continue to be for years. Back then, I couldn’t even fathom that was the time frame we were dealing with. Can I comprehend it now? Well, we’re living it, right? Can I accept it? We don’t have a choice.

But how can I make it better for you and for me? I can connect with you right here. Even if it’s one-way communication. I think it will help the time pass less painfully. 

Will it trigger anxiety? It already is but it’s manageable. I think the big difference is that my confidence levels are high now. Three years ago they were at zero. Will they stay high? Unclear. From the first paragraph, we already know that I rotate through a few emotions and I can stay stuck in some longer than others. As of this writing they’re a dab of anxiety, a whole lot of calmness and a deep longing for connection.

What’s Going On

Covid. We’re fine. We’ve pretty much been working from home since it started. When it subsided a bit over the summer, my job made us come back two days a week. But I’ve been working from home exclusively since January. Dad got fully vaccinated in January, Mom and I got our first dose a few weeks ago. I’ll receive the second dose the day after my birthday.

Fun fact: I’ve got a bald patch, too. For real:

I ugly cried at least three times the day I discovered it. I was thinking all the worst-case scenarios; that I had a serious thyroid problem, was premenopausal, cancer. Fortunately, I was able to see a dermatologist the next day. She was so unconcerned about it, she didn’t even feel the need to do bloodwork.

Apparently, it’s not uncommon and she sees it a lot when the seasons change. It was an auto-immune response to something. It could be to allergies or the cold but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I first noticed it a few days after my first dose of the covid vaccine. For most people it grows back in 6-7 months. That’s okay, it’s not like anyone’s going to be running their fingers through my hair any time soon. The mole here isn’t a concern, either.

In the meantime, she mentioned that Rogaine might help. I bought a generic of minoxidil on Amazon (Rogaine is effing expensive!). Even if it does work, it will be months before I see the results. So I’ve joined the club! Let me know if we get a 10% discount at La Quinta or something.

On a more serious note, though, I found out during my annual physical exam in October that I have a congenital defect. I had to do a bunch of tests. Everything is okay for now but the goal is to stay that way for as long as possible. Because it’s a question of when, not if, I’m going to have to have major surgery. I’m in denial about it because there’s no immediate concern and I am okay with staying in denial for as long as possible.

Bono & Ruthie

They deserve their own section! Bono’s the same sweetheart as always, just older. His hearing is impaired. He has difficulty figuring out which direction a sound is coming from if you call him. He has trouble hearing calls from a few rooms away on the same floor. He’s also on a low dose of thyroid medication. I don’t think he really needs to be on it but there aren’t any side effects and it’s not expensive so why not? We got his DNA tested. He’s 25% rat terrier, 12.5% bichon frise, 12.5% English springer spaniel and the remaining 50% is a random, unidentifiable mix.

A couple of years ago, I thought he might be lonely and could use a friend. So I adopted Ruthie. She’s the exact opposite of Bono.

She’s from Oklahoma and when I adopted her they thought she was about 8 years-old. Her previous owners moved out and just left her on the property. A rescue had her transported to NYC to find a new home. We did a meet & greet with her before adopting. As my dad says, she managed to hold herself together long enough to pass as acceptable.

We got her DNA tested, too. She’s also 25% rat terrier, 25% miniature poodle and the other 50% is an unidentifiable mix of breeds. She’s tiny, about 10-12 pounds if I don’t overfeed her. She’s scared of most living things that can move because they’re all bigger than her, which means they can hurt her, so she chooses to respond very defensively. She doesn’t like other dogs and she bites everyone, dogs and humans. I’ve got plenty of scars to prove it. So does Bono. He’s scared of her. She’s bitten him so many times in the face which was incredibly frustrating. How do you respond when one of your kids is hurting the other one? 

It’s fear aggression. She’s apprehensive and mistrustful of many things. She’ll misunderstand or misinterpret your intentions and then bites first and asks questions later.

She doesn’t like getting her teeth brushed, so she bites. It took 6 months of training to be able to brush her teeth without wearing gloves to protect myself. She doesn’t like getting her nails trimmed so she has to be muzzled, held down and soothed. It’s a 3-person job at home to trim her nails. I finally stopped being cheap last month and paid the vet to trim them for me. Of course, she was so well behaved for them! We’ll see if it lasts…

All the negatives being said, she’s also incredibly silly. She’ll demand attention from you, but then if you pet her, she’ll growl, which is the first warning sign that she will bite. But if you stop petting, she’ll again demand attention. No, she does not make sense.

If you scold her for doing something wrong, generally, she’ll do a somersault and go belly up, which makes it incredibly hard to stay serious. Also, sometimes if you really scold her seriously, she’ll cower and isolate herself a bit and then we all feel bad. If I’ve punished her by not letting her sleep with me at night, she’ll get upset and end up having an accident somewhere in the house. But she is incredibly well potty trained. We can rely on her to use the wee wee pads in the kitchen if she needs them.

When she first got here she was scared of toys. She would start shaking if she heard the squeaking sound and go hide in her kennel. She’s made a lot of improvement since coming home to us, though. Now, she’s constantly carrying toys around in her mouth and piles them either on the couch or my bed. If she hears the squeaking sound, she doesn’t shake anymore, but she’ll feel a need to take the offending toy away from you and “own” it.

She’s highly food motivated and rarely picky unless you’re trying to feed her fruits. She’s also scared of some staircases. She’s learned the main staircase up to my bedroom really well but she’ll refuse to use the back staircase of the house or go to the basement. I don’t know if it’s because they are hardwood versus the carpeted one. But she’s fine with the shorter, concrete steps to any of the entrances.

Bono may be everyone’s favorite but Ruthie is the baby. She gets away with everything and we’re all very attached to both. I got rid of my bed frame and my mattress is on the floor now just because I want to reduce any long term impacts she may have from repetitive jumping on and off furniture.

She may not have been exactly what we wanted but I think she may be what we needed. Before she arrived, this house was full of people who took life way too seriously. But after she arrived, the silliness factor in the house just took off. She gets spoken to and played with like a baby and the conversations are just ridiculous (“Ruthie, you could do a better job of being president, right? You’d go in there and bite all of them!” “He’s just a doggy. He’s not the pope.”). 

I’ll leave it here for now. I do plan to write more frequently. Not sure when or how often. Maybe monthly?

 

What I’m Watching

Mr. Robot

I binge watched the series on Amazon Prime this past fall. SO GOOD! Rami Malek is just such a good actor. I felt for his character, the plot was addicting, and I’m sad it ended. B.D. Wong was great, too. I’m so glad he got that opportunity after Law & Order: SVU.

Chicago PD

I think I discovered it on the USA Network and started binge watching it there. I liked it enough that I paid to watch the latest season on Amazon Prime so I could be fully caught up when Season 8 started. I watch the new episodes religiously Wednesday nights.

Hache

Yes, more binge watching. It’s covid, ok? (Who are we kidding? I’m a homebody with or without a global pandemic). The hook for me is Hache’s relationship with Malpica. Javier Rey is my new celebrity crush. I think the resemblance is close. I really liked Season 1 until the last two episodes, then her choices were hard to believe. I really disliked how Season 1 ended. If you watch this, please don’t read into it. Again, I need to repeat: I did not like how Season 1 ended. It bothered me so much it took me at least a week to convince myself to watch Season 2. As expected, it wasn’t good. The only thing redeeming about Season 2 was her relationship with Aristedes. My favorite episode is Season 1 Episode 6: Marseille. The first two minutes.

Bridgerton

I don’t need to explain this, right? I liked it so much, I watched it 1.5 times in the same weekend. The second half. Favorite episode: The Duke and I.

365 Days

There’s a theme here now. For some reason, I feel like you’ve already watched this. If not, please remove any expectations for a high quality plot, dialogue or acting.

What I’m Listening To

Can I Call You Tonight? – Dayglow

Turn up the Radio – OK Go

Classic (feat. Fetty Wap & Powers) – The Knocks

Golden – Harry Styles

Adore You – Harry Styles

Woman – Harry Styles

(No, I’m not crushing on Harry Styles. What was with that boa at the Grammys? His music is catchy.)

Pronto – Danny Ocean

Love Song – Lana Del Ray

Chemtrails Over the Country Club – Lana Del Ray

Lo Vas A Olvidar – Billie Eilish & ROSALIA

everything i wanted – Billie Eilish